I’ve been absent from my blog for almost half of a year now, just as I was getting back into the swing of blogging during all of 2013. I’ve felt completely void of creativity, tapped out of meaningful (or even just fun) conversation topics, and I’ve been avoiding my own head.
You see, my sister died on the first of February, suddenly and without any warning, and every second of my days since has been eclipsed by the loss.
Some of my long-time readers may remember when I shared about the loss of my brother when I was barely a teenager. My last phone conversation with my sister was just a week or two prior to her passing when we had our yearly chat/cry over how much we missed our brother on the anniversary of his death. We also chatted about planning a family trip to Florida, maybe in the spring, so I could spend time with my three little nieces. To say that the grief I am currently feeling is complicated would be an understatement.
Sleep, work, eat, repeat. The daily grind occupies my mind and keeps me busy enough. It wouldn’t be fair to claim there haven’t been any good times since Morgan’s passing. I have amazingly supportive family, friends and coworkers. My spouse and I still travel and enjoy little things like going out to eat. My friends made sure my birthday this year was extra fun and special. I am very much looking forward to a summer full of weddings and vacations. I get up in the morning and manage to smile, and mean it most of the time.
But it still hurts like hell. Perhaps the worst part of already having lost a sibling a decade and a half ago is the knowledge of the magnitude of the pain that it brings (a fuck load, excuse my language) and how long this hurt will last (forever). I have to accept these basic facts all over again. What is the process of grieving really, if not to accept and understand these two truths?
I’m not ready to talk about the circumstances of her death, or truly dive into my feelings here. I hope that soon I will be able to come back to my little blog and share the day to day pleasantries that I used to. I hope that you will all continue to be patient with me, visit again soon, and be well in your daily lives. I wish you all nothing but health and happiness.